How would Obama handle an Alien Invasion?

My favorite movie of all time is Independence Day starring Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum. In the movie, Aliens start a war with mankind in an effort to take over Earth for its resources. President Thomas J. Whitmore, played by Bill Pullman, leads a worldwide aerial assault on the invaders and helps save the planet. That got me thinking, in this election year, which candidates would best be prepared to handle such a crisis?

Thomas J. Whitmore

I added President Whitmore here as a control; his relative success provides a good measure to judge the others - He sent a “welcome wagon” helicopter to one of the alien ships which was promptly destroyed. After this failure, he wasted time evacuating the cities costing millions of lives. After regrouping at Area 51 and managing the preparations of the counter attack, he gave one the the greatest speeches ever delivered by a president; a speech that would of instantly gone down in history with the likes of the Gettysburg Address and JFK’s inaugural speech. As a fighter pilot in the Gulf War, Whitmore volunteers himself for the counter attack and straps into a jet. While he blew his chance at destroying the alien ship himself with a missed missile, he was instrumental in mankind’s eventual victory.

John McCain

John McCain would of declared war on the aliens immediately. The only diplomacy McCain uses is fired from bombers from a couple thousand feet up. After being soundly defeated by the technologically superior aliens, McCain would retreat back to Area 51. After giving some “straight talk” on how the war with the aliens would probably last hundreds of years, McCain, having flight combat experience just like Whitmore, would strap in and take the battle to the sky. After being promptly shot down over enemy territory, McCain would eventually be captured by the Aliens who unfortunately would have much less mercy than the North Vietnamese.

Hillary Clinton

Clinton would probably be called at 3am by the Pentagon to alert her of the Alien invasion. After sending out a poll on how American’s viewed the Aliens, (67% thought that the aliens posed no danger and should be welcomed) Clinton would try to establish communication with our new visitors. After finding out the Aliens were hostile, Clinton would retreat to NORAD. After seemingly running out of options, Hillary Clinton would begin to cry. Unfortunately, Aliens aren’t moved by tears and Clinton and the rest of NORAD are quickly destroyed.

Mike Huckabee

Mike would probably spend several days trying to reconcile the fact that Aliens aren’t mentioned in the Bible and therefore cant be real. Eventually he realizes that he has to take some action. When all military options are used up, Huckabee turns to prayer, confident in his ablility to create miracles (he did major in Miracology). Humanity is swiftly extinguished.

Barack Obama

After finding out the Alien’s intentions, Barack Obama would call on the them to join in a new era of Galactic Unity. Despite a rousing speech, this supposed post-species era does not interest the Aliens. After calling on the Aliens to CHANGE their ways, Obama does the only thing he can do: HOPE. Humanity is swiftly extinguished.

Ron Paul

After reducing our army to the size of France’s, the United States is ill prepared to launch a military option. It’s for the best anyway since Ron Paul refuses to launch any world-wide coordinated counter attack in fear of “tangling alliances”.

So there you have it. For all the talk in the Mainstream Media about how good these candidates are, not one would be able to successfully protect us from ET. I don’t know about you, but I don’t see the point of going to the polls this November.

BONUS:

Josiah Bartlet

While Jed would initially fail in his initial peaceful and military actions, he would would eventually be able to negotiate successfully with the captured Alien at Area 51. After giving an amazing speech that referenced Ancient Rome, the Founding Fathers, and included an obscure Carl Sagan quote about the mysteries of the Universe, Bartlet would convince the Aliens that peaceful co-habitation was possible.